I’m 34 years old and I’ve been single for five years. This fact hit me recently, and I think most people would naturally wonder why I’ve been single for so long. But the truth is that the reasons don’t matter, because whether single, in a relationship, or married with kids, I’m always going to be me.
These past few years have given me plenty of time to think about what I really want, come up with strategies to get it and experiment. So far, this what I have learned.
Be the Prize. Be Present. Be Patient.
Be the Prize.
You deserve it all. This concept, I’ll admit, has taken me some time to grasp. I used to believe I didn’t deserve everything I desired – that I simply had to just hope for the best and be happy with what I was given. I see now that I was trying to rationalize why some people are less fortunate. Today, I believe the core of a fulfilling life is to genuinely believe you deserve love, health, wealth, and happiness. If you don’t believe you deserve what you want, get to the root of your limiting beliefs.
Self-care is of utmost importance. If there was only one of something that was ever created and you couldn’t replace it, wouldn’t you take the best care of it? That’s your body, inside and out! So prioritize yourself high on the list. Work out, sleep, wear sunscreen, eat that salad, read that book - do anything that makes you vibrate like the irreplaceable woman you are. Sometimes, indulging a bit is totally part of self-care, so have that glass(es) of wine or whatever you need to keep you sane!
Self-confidence is key. Your body needs to sparkle with love for yourself from head to toe, including love for all your “imperfections.” Yes, that means your scars and stretch marks, too. This doesn’t mean to be stuck up or bitchy, but be graciously aware of your worth and how unique you are. Take the time get to know your kinks and what makes you tick. Explore your passions, femininity, and have some creative outlet - maybe turn your passion into how you make money. Get to know yourself, your worth, and believe you are of high value. Stay grounded to those core beliefs. Remember to consistently forgive yourself and keep learning!
Worrying is pointless. No, you will NOT be alone forever and let’s get real - if you really wanted a boyfriend, you could have one tomorrow. You already have that high-quality man in mind. Remember that and one day, you’ll be glad you waited. So don’t live in fear of the future. Stay in the moment, be true to yourself and have fun!
Listen. To be honest, I feel like I can’t live without my phone most of the time, but lately I’ve been trying to be more conscious of being fully engaged around others. So, make an effort to be in the moment when someone is speaking to you. People notice if you’re not present. We speak not only with our words, but also with our body language and energy. Don’t forget about what your energy is telling others. It will introduce you to the world before you even speak. Also, pay attention to how others make you feel. Remember, good vibes only!
Treat others with respect. Please be a nice person. Although you’re confident, know your worth and know what you deserve, it doesn’t mean it’s okay to be judgmental. Everyone is different. Your timeline and beliefs will not align with everyone, but always treat people with love and respect. Donate, volunteer, and give back to help others move forward.
It’s so crucial to have a supportive community of like-minded family and friends. I would also surround yourself with couples who are in the type of relationship you envision. Spend time with them and learn. In addition, be cautious of getting into a pattern of complaining about men or dating. Men are people, too, and there are tons of great men out there, so respect them!
You now realize it’s essential to know you are the best thing since sliced bread (too bad I’m almost gluten-free), to stay rooted, and be present. Simply put, just be a normal person (for a good laugh, look up “How to Be Normal” on wikiHow).
Now, let’s talk about boys...
Follow your gut. As you become more confident and aware, you’ll learn to listen to your intuition. You know right away when a man wants to get to know you or if there’s a lesson to be learned. I truly believe that every single date presents itself to teach you more about what you want or a lesson you need to learn. Please, please don’t blame yourself if you get ghosted or become frustrated. People come into your life for a either a reason, a season, or a lifetime. So just keep dating and learning!
Be cool. Chill the f#*$% out. Seriously, I’ve learned this the hard way. I’ve always been very type A - do, do, go, go. I have now made it my mission to be more calm and anchored - while at the same time trying to still getting things done the way I envision them.
I’ve learned to go more with the flow, especially around men. I have always thought I needed to act a certain way or do extra things like make embarrassingly-super-nice dinners. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself or jump through hoops to attract a great man. You actually don’t have to do anything, especially in the beginning. Men need to primally chase and work for your love, period. He has to prove he is worth your awesomeness. So just be your flirty, confident self!
Let go. Sex is natural. Don’t put it up on a pedestal (even plants have sex!). I don’t mean you should sleep with every guy you meet, but be comfortable with sex. Most men feel more comfortable connecting through touch and sex, so if you act weird about it, they will likely be concerned. I’m still pretty undecided on how long to wait to have sex, but I am certain that as long you’re putting yourself first, you’re present, and he’s treating you well, go with your gut!
Living a passionate life includes sex. There will be a time to let go and surrender intimately to a man who has earned your trust. Please note the word “earned.” It’s absolutely crucial to surrender to a man who has devoted his time to get to know you. When you do fall in love, remember to be in tune to how he treats you and share the love you have for yourself with him - always remembering who numero uno is.
I will say there is a component of dating and attracting your ideal partner that can’t be taught or learned. It simply has to do with letting go, timing, trusting in the magic of synchronicity, and serendipitous moments!
Now do you see why knowing you are a prize, being present, and being patient are important when it comes to dating? Being confident allows you to believe you deserve and can attract a high-quality man. Being present allows you to notice who these men are and how they treat you. Being patient ensures you don't push them away and allows you time to build a healthy relationship. This will continue to be true even after you are married.
Whenever you doubt yourself remember what the confident Elle Woods from Legally Blonde would say: “What, like, it’s hard?” ;)
Our co-founder originally wrote this blog post for the matchmaking service Three Day Rule